I DID IT!!!! day 37
Aug 14, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kj4_LZLKFuE

good evening everybody and so I just got
off of our live that was again so much
fun it was a very short life because it
was just you know covering our giveaway
and I'm so excited to announce the
winner of the giveaway for this month
was April day and her subscriber name is
under cat lady and I am so excited to
see a winner come up and how exciting
how truly exciting and the thing is is
that you know like I was saying on the
life this is not the only one I'm going
to be doing a lot more because they're
fun I enjoy them and I can't ever
guarantee you what its gonna be because
every time is gonna be different but
it's fun to do them and just to have fun
and a blast and intermingle with each
other and it's just fun I just I love it
so anyways I just got off from the live
there but I did want to fill you guys in
with my day because of course that
wasn't what we were on for and so I
still want to get my video up so today
was counselling day and that went
amazing um let me get a drink here sorry
talking too much my mouth go dry um
so today's counseling was really good it
was it was talking more about my
progression on my healing and where I
have gotten so far with boundary making
and respecting myself and respecting you
know the things around me and you know
it's it's very nice to be able to know
that I can set boundaries with people
and it's okay you know healthy relation
ships have boundaries and if somebody in
that relationship is not accepting of
that then that obviously means that it
maybe isn't a relationship that you want
to be in because you should be able to
set those boundaries and be okay with
them and you know and that goes for both
so you know I'm not the only one that
sets boundaries you know everybody
that's in the relationship sets the
boundaries and you know and also I
experienced being able to talk about the
acceptance of my change that I've
already started and that I fill and I
see and that coincides with you know the
relationships that I have and and where
I want to be in my relationships and
what kind of a relationship I want to
see blossom and it's just it is really
today touched on a lot of about
relationships and just knowing that it's
okay for the way that I'm changing
things and also you know I've also been
embracing the fact of not doing self
judgment but being okay on the days that
you know I'm struggling a little bit
that it's okay like it's it's normal
it's not something that is abnormal or
something that I need to beat myself up
for yesterday you know I I ate a little
bit of chocolate frosting it wasn't a
lot it was a spoonful but it was just
the point that I had it is does that
give me a right to sit and beat myself
up over it and say that well I didn't
mean it or you know I could have chose
something different yeah I could have
chose something different but that's not
what I wanted
I wanted the chocolate frosting and if I
can eat it in moderation and get the
taste of it and leave it where is that
going wrong and you know yesterday Olli
had gotten some they're called they're
from the Egyptian store they're like a
Turkish chocolate bar should took a
picture of it and I didn't even think
about it but it's a chocolate Turkish I
guess you'd say candy bar and it was
made with like macadamia nuts in and
then it had like chocolate on it was so
good and then I had like a like a crispy
like a Rice Krispies almost in it and
you know I wanted to experience it
because I had never tasted something
from Turkey so I was like well you know
I think that would be kind of fun to
taste it I opened it up and I took a
bite and that's all I mean it was normal
like a candy bar sighs and I I took a
bite and I wrapped it up and I put it
away and I didn't even think another
second about it and then Jeremiah was
wanting more and I gave him mine I was
like oh here you can have it and you
know before I wouldn't never did that I
would have never been like oh here you
can have this um it just would've never
even occurred to me and now it's like oh
you know here I just needed a taste of
it that's all I wanted and so I'm
finding that as long as I allow myself
to have the things that I do want I
haven't been I haven't been truly
binging
I haven't been finding myself feeling
deprived and I think that that's what
has allowed me to be on this for 37 days
going completely strong and not seeing
myself veering off at all or needing a
break because it's not again we're not
on a diet you know we are
[Music]
we are literally changing just our
lifestyle so this isn't gonna be a you
know just say a six-month progress and
that's it or a year thing no this is for
life I will do this no there could be
times where I do want the whole candy
bar and why can't I have that whole
candy bar just because I want the whole
candy bar I can have it but I can have
one candy bar and not three candy bars
or you know I could have two pieces of
pizza versus a whole pizza of myself
because that's how I used to eat and so
now it's like I can totally see where my
life has already changed with my
relationship and food and my behavior
with food because now it's not like I
look at food as a pure enemy I look at
food as it can be made for survival of
course and then you also have food for
pleasure but in moderation and that's
where I'm learning my boundaries and so
it was nice for me to figure that out
and kind of play with that because I was
just like wow okay you know I guess I
never realized it that way
you know before I would sit and eat a
whole well if we got pizza it would be
at least I would eat six to seven pieces
of pizza not including the breadsticks
and even the chicken wings now it's like
first of all I just don't even have the
appetite for pizza and honestly I would
probably be afraid to eat pizza because
I would think that it would probably
tear my stomach up um but if I wanted
pizza I can foresee myself probably
having two pieces of pizza with maybe a
salad on this side and maybe a two or
three little chicken wings and be done
and rather than having the breadsticks
with the bread from the pizza plus the
you know the bread on the the breading
on the chicken plus you know a salad
it's just so much food and I just didn't
realize that that's really where my
relationship with food has been and you
know I was explaining to ollie yesterday
I said you know here's the thing is even
if I didn't like just say the food or I
wasn't you know filling it that night
sometimes I would sit at the table and
just eat because it was food there was
no part of me that was hungry there was
no part of me that really enjoyed the
taste of it um
it was food and to me food was made for
pleasure food was made for comfort
so if I was having some type of an issue
at that moment I would jump straight for
my comfort which was my food and now
it's not that you know I can eat my
dinner if I'm done I'm done and I kick
it off the table and be perfectly
satisfied and not feel like I have to
continue to eat and eat and eat because
the food is just sitting there um so
yeah that's pretty much what we covered
with my session today
um I think well we went to Costco that
was a big thing so we went to Costco
today cuz we were gonna go yesterday and
the it was just so packed it was so
packed so we went ahead and went today
and it was pretty it was pretty busy it
wasn't like really bad but I mean it was
busy and so we went in and our we pulled
in and of course first thing I did was
look straight for the the cards I mean
cuz you could see him from like if
you're driving you just look right in
like as you're looking into the store
and you'll see that the motor scooters
are right there so we pulled up and of
course I didn't see any and then there
was one lady that was leaving the store
in
and so I told all is like oh my god
hurry hurry hurry jump out the car you
know park the car jump out and go to her
really quick please and ask if we can
take her cart because she's obviously
she's done so he did and there was
already somebody standing in line for
her cart so he came back and he's like
honey I'm sorry but the lady already had
somebody else like there and I'm like
crap I'm like okay so we're sitting
there for a second contemplating like
what are we gonna do am I just gonna
stay in the car because there's nothing
I can do and clearly there is no carts
and I Manzini cards coming out so always
like well do you want to try and walk in
the store and mind you it's been over a
year that I have walked into a store a
year I have gone into a motor scooter or
I just stay home or I stay in the car
like that's it
there is no ins or outs so I sat there
and I was like oh my god I don't know
what I want to do do I want to go into
the store what if you know what if my
back starts hurting me you know this is
not a good sign and then I'm stuck all
he's gonna have to carry me to the car
hahaha but and I'm just like you know
all these thoughts are running through
my mind but then I was like you don't
know I'm let's go let's go I'm gonna do
this I'm gonna conquer this I'm gonna do
it
so he's like are you sure and I'm like
yeah let's go so we load the kids up
into the cart and here we go we go into
the store and I was walking and I was
looking around and I was you know I had
my eye on the prize of let's get in and
let's get out we're not gonna go and
tinker around and go look at things that
we're not clearly gonna buy today like
let's just get what we need and then go
out because I don't want to push my back
too much because again it's been over a
year that I walked into a store so I you
know I I had my map out I was like okay
we're gonna go to the you know
vegetable area grab our things that we
need from the produce area and then
because we really don't buy much but we
need to get a few little items and then
we'll go to the cracker I'll grab my
crackers that I usually eat and get the
few you know laundry things we need to
pick up and we're getting out and so we
were doing it and I felt at one time I
felt like I was starting to get a little
panicky and it wasn't because my back
was hurting or anything but I think it
kind of hit me like wow I'm actually
walking through this store and my back's
not hurting but again those thoughts in
the back of my mind or what if my back
starts hurting where am I gonna go what
am I gonna do am i you know am I gonna
collapse
you know just it's really weird and so
sad that I had that feeling but I just
kept going I just kept going in and
Costco I'm not sure if everybody has a
Costco or if you even go to Costco but
in Costco they have displays of like
couches and stuff that they sell so
there were plenty of places for me to
sit but I told myself no you're not
gonna sit down we're not gonna be in the
store for very long there's no reason
that you don't just do it so I was like
okay you're gonna keep going and my back
wasn't hurting it still wasn't hurting I
was waiting for it to starting but it
wasn't hurting so we get over to the
cracker aisle and I started kind of I
came out kind of flesh and Jeremiah was
talking to me but I couldn't like I
couldn't really hear him because I think
my body was trying to like kind of go
into a panic and all he looked at me and
he was like are you okay and I was like
yeah I'm okay and he's like is your back
hurting and I'm like no it's not really
hurting I said but I'm just like kind of
scared like I like my anxieties up and
he leaned over and he kissed me on the
forehead and he said you know I'm so
proud of you that you've pushed yourself
to a place that you haven't visited in
over a year he's like you were doing
amazing and he's like if your back
starts hurting honey we can go to the
car you know I want to make this
comfortable for you I want it to be a
good experience for you but
you are doing fantastic and I was like
you know those words of encouragement
meant so much to me
because I was like yeah you know what I
am doing so good and I deserve to be in
the store walking and I deserve to feel
good and so we finished up he went got
the soaps that we needed I went on the
other side really quick grab their beef
jerky sticks and we met in the middle
and we checked out and we left and I got
in the car and I just sat there for a
minute I was like wow I did it like I
truly just mastered and accomplished
something that I haven't done in so long
but it felt so good no did my back hurt
no but there at the very end when we
were getting ready to check out there
was like a little bit of a pinch like
but it wasn't even in my lower back was
more my kind of my upper back um but it
wasn't bad enough to like make me feel
like I had to sit down or you know it
was just a little uncomfortable but of
course my back is still gaining its
strength so you know but once I came
home I sat down and I got the names
written out I got everything cut up you
know so that way we can get you know
prepared for the live and I cleaned up
the kitchen I started a load of laundry
and I just kept going like I was just
like I just don't have time to sit
anymore I've got so much in life to do
that I just don't have time to sit and
that goes along with the shopping you
know I
and I told Olli I said you know I think
if we're doing quick shopping trips like
this I think I need to start pushing
myself a little more and a little more I
think it's gonna help me to get out of
my anxiety I think it's gonna help me
get back into public world which means
you know having to communicate with
people and navigate around people and
that's all okay but it's scary at the
same time it's very scary and it's a
true thing that I deal with and it's
unfortunate but it happens and I just
couldn't be more proud of myself for
pushing myself today to do something
that I didn't think
and I told Holly today I said you know
sometimes I think it takes someone to be
pushed into an unfamiliar and
comfortable position because if I left
it to myself I would have sat in the car
I wouldn't have gotten out I would have
not pushed myself to get out and walk
the store but because my husband came to
me gave me his hand to hold and said
here we will do this together because I
know that you can do this and me
accepting that and taking the challenge
and knowing that my best friend was
right beside me and wasn't gonna let me
down that just allowed me to not only
experience that with him but that even
made my trust stronger within him that
he is totally 100% there for me and
wants to see so much of success and you
know it does sometimes take a push and
I'm glad he did because how do you not I
would have just sat in the car and I
would have just continued to do what I
do on a daily basis if there's not a
card available now I know hey if I want
to get out in the car and I want to go
into the store I can do it it may be a
little uncomfortable at first but you
know what that's how we build our
muscles and our back and in our legs and
our hips things that we haven't used for
a very long time and now I can do that
now I'm being able to and it's such an
amazing feeling so that was my good
thing today and I just I just can't stop
thinking about it because it really
makes me so excited and it just made me
feel like on top of the world for once
that I really accomplished and seen such
a change in my behavior and the way that
I dealt with the situation because had
it been 39:39
not that far been if it hadn't been 37
days ago I would not be walking through
Costco I would not be able to do any of
that because I would have been in the
490 probably plus pounds by now because
my weight wasn't going down it was
definitely going up so I think about
that sometimes and I think okay you know
when I was 490 what if I added 30 pounds
to that added added not subtracted but
added 30 pounds to 490 what if that was
it
I'd be close to 600 pounds right now I
would probably be pretty house bound
because it was already getting so hard
to move around it was getting so hard to
even be able to get in and out of the
car and now it's like I just slide in my
car and out of my car and I deal with an
attitude because darn it I got it and
then I I did get my baby bed and I'm so
excited look at it I have yet to sync it
to my phone I have yet to do anything
with it just yet I threw it on the
charger as soon as I got at home
that way then I could take time to
navigate it and figure it all out
but yeah this is it I'm so excited I
this was the best birthday gift I could
ask for for my husband and my kiddos but
anyways so I'm gonna kind of keep it
short because I did the live tonight as
well and I'm tired my kids are probably
tired and I'm hungry I haven't had
dinner just yet but um I hope everybody
had an amazing Monday I sure did and I'm
gonna go to bed tonight feeling so great
because I did something that I didn't
think I'd be capable of doing for a long
time and so yeah it was a wonderful day
for me and tomorrow is gonna be a great
day as well because I'm gonna be
conquering some decluttering and I'm
hoping to bring you guys along and show
you guys the beginning and the end so
anywho I hope that all of you guys take
care and I will be catching in with you
guys tomorrow
[Music]
